Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically known for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It's going to be great. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")

And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have One more position where by American men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is gentle power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he really should prevent working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested about the task, replied, "You are aware of, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorized.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after discovering the developing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It really is not just hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics

Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with climate Management set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They can Occur"

The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Eternally."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A latest Trump Tower Damascus SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it might stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% stated "exactly where's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"

The task is presently attracting interest from Intercontinental traders, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree can even consist of:

A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War

Remark Section Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a resort where by my PTSD can have change-down provider."

One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."